New Beginings

Wow its been a few years since i posted last. Its insane how fast time flies by when your ass deep in 2 kids and a husband with an insane and unpredictable work schedule. Every year people (myself included) set new years resolutions with hopes of them being life changing things. For as long as i can remember my resolutions fall flat as a pancake. i get going but mid year i LET life take it away from me. I blame it on the lack of time or the kids or Chris's stupid schedule but i know its all excuses for me giving up. Last year for the first time ever i started living a life for me. I decided to get my body and mind healthy and it worked i stuck with it. I was stronger, both physically and mentally. I slept better i meditated and i ENJOYED every single second of my life. The manic crazy house filled with a 6yr old and 3 year old wasn't stressful it was amazing. i laughed more during that time then i did in the year before. Sound amazing right?? yea it left just as quick as it came. Chris came home from deployment and while i still kept up working out my eating, sleeping, mediation and MY time went to shit. then the months go on and on and here i am. My new years resolution isn't to lose weight, or be healthier or give up caffeine ect. my resolution is to CHANGE my life in the next 12 months. to change it for the rest of my life. I don't know what that means for me but i know there is a life i should be living more than what i am now. I have decided to use this blog as a weekly or daily depending on my mood to document this year. The things i knock off my bucket list to the life changing decisions i make for my family. EVERYTHING. i will be raw and personal but i'm finally ready to live the life i was given the way i was supposed to live it. Anyone who is around for the ride i appreciate it but understand you may also be in this hahahahaha no i'm kidding ill change the names so only you know i'm talking about you hahaha. I'm so ready y'all LETS GET IT!!!

9/25

So I must talk about this. I can not stand dead beat ass parents. I never understood it and having a daughter of my own I find it even harder to grasp. I look at my little girl every day and could not imagine choosing not to be in her life. There are so many people desperately wanting to be with their kids and for circumstances beyond their control they cant. My aunt is in her 40s and has a 7 year old daughter. She was diagnosed with leukemia and it was found so late that there is no way that she will ever get better. The doctors told her that no matter what treatment she got it would only give her days not years. She is starting another round of chemo, why? Because to her any extra time with her children is worth it. This is the kind of mother I am. I will fight till the day I die to stay with my children. As long as my child needs me I am going to be there for them. The reality is that the person that hurts the most is the child. The child is the one that carries it throughout their life and pays the price for your negligence. I don’t care what anyone says children need both parents actively in their life. Now don’t get me wrong I know some kick ass single parents but I am referring to the “part time” parent. The one that comes in and out just when its convenient for them. I refuse to be a part time parent or allow my partner to be one. I will not allow my daughter to pay the price for any of our mistakes. In my opinion its even worse when a mother is a dead beat. We as women are the number one thing that our children need. If you are a dead beat ass parent please for the sake of your children FIX IT! Its never to late to fix your mistakes or to even apologize for your mistakes. The hardest thing will be to realize that you have made mistakes not to apologize for them.

Its been a while

I cant seem to figure out what I want to do with my life. Not a career but who I want to be when its all said and done. What kind of mother, wife, and person I want to be. What people will remember me for or the things that they will remember about me. There are a lot of things going on in my life right now. Things that affect the way I look at life and the way I understand humanity. You are raised to believe in the better part of life. The kind of life where pain and disappointments are few and far between. You never think when growing up that events in your life will knock you to your knees and make you wonder if you can get up and breath. You don’t think about losing loved ones or people hurting you more than you could ever imagine. I guess that’s what keeps the innocence in children. The belief in humanity and a better world than what we really live in. I know that my situation is not ideal but by no means am I in a bad place. I’m in a place of growing the stage where a tiny bud appears in a plot of dark soil. It kind of like grass. Once you burn a plot of grass down to its core when the grass finally returns its as if it was never burned but instead watered and showered with sunlight. Its beautiful if you have never seen it before. That’s where I feel I am at. I feel like pieces of my life have been burned to the end and they are slowly growing back stronger and more beautiful than they ever where. Through heartache and pain comes growth. You learn lessons through consequences of actions whether they be your actions or the actions of people around you. Sometimes its an uncontrollable factor that alters your entire life. Those are the worst, the moments you have no control over, no power to change the action or the outcome. I have watched many people in my life hurt. I have watched people raise out of ashes and look everyday in the face as if their past never existed. I consider those people to be the strongest of them all. I consider myself a strong individual and in the face of things out of my control I feel I have reacted well and tried to make the best of bad situations. I wonder if I was ever faced with a truly life altering lose if I could cope as well as I think I could. Only life experiences and time can answer that. This is a process for me, nothing is ever healed or fixed over night. If it is odds are nothing is ever handled or truly dealt with. I hope to come out of this knowing I made every effort and made the right decisions for my life and the life of my family. My life is no longer my own. I have a beautiful little girl that depends on me everyday and the decisions I make effect her directly. She is the most important thing in my life and no matter what happens I have to know in my heart that I made every decision in her best interest. Twenty years down the road I want her to be proud of me like I am my mother. I want her to know that I did everything I could to make her life the best it could of possibly been. No matter what happens in my life I have to get up everyday push my feelings aside and be a mother. I have to be her calm when she is crazy and her warm embrace when she is hurt. I have to make sure that she is taken care of before I even worry about me. I cant let her pay for my mistakes or the mistakes of the ones around her. Healing takes time….

Damn AC

Hey guys! I know its been a couple days since my last post but in all honesty I just did not have much to say. Tonight I feel the need to write. Long story short my electric bill is $335. I have a 1200SQF house and I keep it at 72 all day and night. There is absolutely NO reason to have a bill that incredibly high. My landlord told me that the electric in the summer runs about 130ish. We had some ac issues and he “fixed” them. The main issue is that the unit is not big enough to properly cool the house so it runs all day long in order to keep trying to cool the entire house. I’m at my wits end and this is it. He has two options 1. He takes off money from my rent 2. He breaks my lease. Plain and simple in my opinion. I’m so pissed that he is such a tight ass that he wont replace a 13 year old unit that does not even meet current regulations. He is a tight wad that owns 51 rental properties and is working a six figure job. So I seriously doubt he has any financial issues. I’m so frustrated with the entire situation. I feel like every landlord I have had screwed me over. I just want to chock the dog shit out of him. I’m not asking for anything unreasonable I’m just asking to have proper working ac so I don’t have to pay a 350 bill every month. Hell that’s half my rent. Any who on a better note. I won a trip to the Bahamas!! Oh yes I said it the effin BAHAMAS!!! 4 days 3 nights in the beautiful Bahamas. All food and entertainment is included and hotel and cruise. I’m so excited I never won anything before. Now if only I could enter to win a new air conditioner than I would be in hog heaven. Okay well I think I’m done ranting and I’m sooo very tired. Think ill be back tomorrow. Night yall!!

Struggling

Ever had one of those days where your not sure if your going up or down? Today is one of those days. I’m so confused and I am struggling to make the right decision. I grew up with my mother home the majority of the time. She was the one teaching me, the one that was always there. My dad was the one working and bringing home the bacon per say. My mother worked when we were in school but always managed to be home and raise my sister and I. I always knew I wanted to be a stay at home mom at least until my kids were in school but now that I’m here I’m not too sure what I want to do. I am fortunate enough to be able to stay home while my husband works. Sure we are not rich but we are surviving. We can pay our bills and feed our faces probabluy more than we should but I know if I worked we would have a lot more wiggle room to do whatever we wanted and be able to take more vacations and do more things. I feel obligated to be the main caretaker of my daughter but I feel obligated to also contribute financially to my family. I mean hell I went to college for 4 years to be able to make a good living and I’m not taking advantage of it. I’m so torn between these things. What is going to happen when my daughter asks why I worked rather than spend time with her? Or is she even going to ask that? I have a need to be home with my daughter everyday. I cant imagine someone else doing everything I do for her. Its not a matter of what’s more important because if that was the case this would be an easy decision. My daughter is the most important thing in my life right now and my first and only priority is raising her to the best of my ability. I have watched her take her first steps, speak her first word, heard her first laugh. These are things I need to be here for. The reality of the situation is that my paycheck would be to pay a car payment and pay for her daycare. Odds are I would not contribute much to the over all income. So why even do it? Ahhhh!!! Why am I letting this bother me so much? I sometimes think that I’m not doing enough in my husbands eyes. That because I don’t bring home an income that I’m working less than him. Makes my feel kind of shitty. I know that’s not how he really feels but by not telling me I’m wrong I can only assume that I’m right. I want to do what’s best for my family and in my eyes raising my daughter is what’s right for now. It might change as the situation changes but for now this is what feels right.

My little girl

Hey guys! Well sorry I have not wrote in a couple days. I have been super tired and frankly a little lazy ha-ha. I’m not sure what to write about there has not been much going on. Same ol shit different day. So for people that don’t know I am going to share the day that my most precious gift was born. Pregnancy sucked for me. Morning sickness became all day sickness that lasted from my seventh week all the way to my eighth month. I could smell an empty trash can from the other end of the house. I am normally a weak stomach kind of person but pregnancy put me over the edge. I tried everything from natural medicines all the way to wearing motion sickness bracelets. I was miserable my entire pregnancy. I had no cravings or weird food combos, I was lucky to keep my food down on a daily bases. My OB ended up putting me an nausea medicine that managed the constant vomiting and nausea. Around my 36^th week I started to notice decreased fetal movement and chalked it up to being nervous and overly paranoid. It kept on and there were times that she would not move for hours. I finally talked to my OB and she started monitoring me twice a week. Between my 38-39 week I started having to make trips to labor and delivery for the same problem. They had no idea what was going on, the ultrasound looked completely normal. I went to my OB on May 24^th which was a day before my due date. They kept me on the monitor for over an hour and once again she was not as active as they would of liked. My midwife said that it was a must to get me to the hospital and go ahead and induce me. She told me not to even go home just straight to labor and delivery. It completely freaked me out. I had no idea what was happening and I felt so unprepared for anything that was about to happen. I went straight over to the hospital and checked into labor and delivery. It was finally time to have my beautiful baby girl. They started that night using a medicine to thin out the cervix. They gave me a sleeping pill and said that they would start the potassium at 7am the next morning to help start the contractions. Seven am rolled around faster than I thought I managed to get minimal sleep despite the sleeping pill. They connected the iv and started the medicine. A couple hours later my contractions were strong and consistent. Holy mother of God!! I never in a million years knew what kind of pain this was. I would rather be punched in the face with a hammer. Back labor was horrible I honestly thought the pain would never let up. At 3cm they came to give me the epidural. It took the Dr 10 pokes and over an hour to get the epidural set and working. I was great full to have it in and working. Before I knew it, it was time to push. I pushed three sets of three and she was out. I was in labor for 6 hours and 56 min and at 216pm my beautiful daughter was born. She went straight to the neonatal nurses mainly because of the macconium and decreased activity. She was a happy healthy 8lb 12oz baby. As the midwife is finishing me up she notices a true knot in the umbilical cord. Yes a knot, like in a rope. The decreased activity was due to the restriction on the cord. Every time that she moved she would pull the knot restricting blood flow and oxygen to her. My midwife looked at me and said that I was lucky to have given birth to a baby that was alive. She said most babies with these kinds of knots die in the womb. I was in shock. My midwife saved my little girls life. One more day could have been devastating. I am beyond blessed for the birth of my baby girl. Now she is a vibrant 13 month old that constantly keeps me on my toes. She is my sanity.

Jacksonville Adventures

Well I think I have learned my first blogger 101 lesson…proof read everything you write lol. That’s what I get for doing it at almost midnight after taking my sleeping pill haha. Sorry guys I promise to try and do better. So we went to the Jacksonville Zoo today and holy moly it was HOT! I mean sweat in places you would never imagine and to top the heat I think they were raising mosquitoes as a zoo exhibit. Between the five of us we could easily spread The West Nile virus to all 7 continents. So as I was sitting here writing this I had to double check that there were 7 continents well hell now there are 6 because apparently someone was bored and now we have “Eurasia”. Ah when things were more simple. By the time my daughter is in school I will know nothing! I’ll have to hire a tutor for myself so I can help her with 1^st grade math. Well that might be a little dramatic but you get the point. So the fam leaves tomorrow and once again it is a bitter sweet moment. I adore them so much and hate to see them leave but life has to keep moving forward and I will see them again in another couple months. Okay so I thought I would keep this to myself but what the hay. Okay picture this we are on the way to Florida to go to the zoo and we wanted to stop at the welcome center to do the cheesy Florida sign picture with the family. So I get out the car and mosey to the sign and I’m walking across the grass and one foot went straight into a camouflage hole and the other ankle went sideways as I went crashing to the ground. As I’m trying to recoup and figure out how the hell I did not see the hole my entire family is standing around me looking at me like I was stupid. I hear my sister in the back trying to catch her breath because apparently my fall was in slow motion and it was the funniest shit she has ever seen in her entire life. My husband is standing over me as I’m still on the ground and asks me “What are you doing?” Really? I’m checking the quality of the grass, WTF do you think I’m doing? So I picked myself up and looked around at the surrounding idiots, my family included, laughing, and I brushed my knees off and trucked my way to the sign. After the zoo we decided to go to Joes Crab Shack which btw is AWESOME! We ate and drank with the best of them. Well if you don’t know Joes always has a humiliating act that they make customers do on there birthdays. Well it just happened to be my dads Birthday so they made him ride a wooden stick horse. Picture this a 53 year old slightly inebriated man galloping through a resturant full of people. It was PRICELESS!!! Once we got home I sent my husband and dad out so we could get ready for the birthday festivities. We bought these confetti turbo shooter things. We have never used them and I had no idea how much power they had and how loud they were. My dad and chris walk in and we set two off right at them. Chris ducks and dad looks like he is having I mini heart attack. Oh it was sooooo funny. That was the highlight of day. Now to spend a couple hours with the fam before they take off in the am. Have a good night yall!