Struggling

Ever had one of those days where your not sure if your going up or down? Today is one of those days. I’m so confused and I am struggling to make the right decision. I grew up with my mother home the majority of the time. She was the one teaching me, the one that was always there. My dad was the one working and bringing home the bacon per say. My mother worked when we were in school but always managed to be home and raise my sister and I. I always knew I wanted to be a stay at home mom at least until my kids were in school but now that I’m here I’m not too sure what I want to do. I am fortunate enough to be able to stay home while my husband works. Sure we are not rich but we are surviving. We can pay our bills and feed our faces probabluy more than we should but I know if I worked we would have a lot more wiggle room to do whatever we wanted and be able to take more vacations and do more things. I feel obligated to be the main caretaker of my daughter but I feel obligated to also contribute financially to my family. I mean hell I went to college for 4 years to be able to make a good living and I’m not taking advantage of it. I’m so torn between these things. What is going to happen when my daughter asks why I worked rather than spend time with her? Or is she even going to ask that? I have a need to be home with my daughter everyday. I cant imagine someone else doing everything I do for her. Its not a matter of what’s more important because if that was the case this would be an easy decision. My daughter is the most important thing in my life right now and my first and only priority is raising her to the best of my ability. I have watched her take her first steps, speak her first word, heard her first laugh. These are things I need to be here for. The reality of the situation is that my paycheck would be to pay a car payment and pay for her daycare. Odds are I would not contribute much to the over all income. So why even do it? Ahhhh!!! Why am I letting this bother me so much? I sometimes think that I’m not doing enough in my husbands eyes. That because I don’t bring home an income that I’m working less than him. Makes my feel kind of shitty. I know that’s not how he really feels but by not telling me I’m wrong I can only assume that I’m right. I want to do what’s best for my family and in my eyes raising my daughter is what’s right for now. It might change as the situation changes but for now this is what feels right.