Its been a while

I cant seem to figure out what I want to do with my life. Not a career but who I want to be when its all said and done. What kind of mother, wife, and person I want to be. What people will remember me for or the things that they will remember about me. There are a lot of things going on in my life right now. Things that affect the way I look at life and the way I understand humanity. You are raised to believe in the better part of life. The kind of life where pain and disappointments are few and far between. You never think when growing up that events in your life will knock you to your knees and make you wonder if you can get up and breath. You don’t think about losing loved ones or people hurting you more than you could ever imagine. I guess that’s what keeps the innocence in children. The belief in humanity and a better world than what we really live in. I know that my situation is not ideal but by no means am I in a bad place. I’m in a place of growing the stage where a tiny bud appears in a plot of dark soil. It kind of like grass. Once you burn a plot of grass down to its core when the grass finally returns its as if it was never burned but instead watered and showered with sunlight. Its beautiful if you have never seen it before. That’s where I feel I am at. I feel like pieces of my life have been burned to the end and they are slowly growing back stronger and more beautiful than they ever where. Through heartache and pain comes growth. You learn lessons through consequences of actions whether they be your actions or the actions of people around you. Sometimes its an uncontrollable factor that alters your entire life. Those are the worst, the moments you have no control over, no power to change the action or the outcome. I have watched many people in my life hurt. I have watched people raise out of ashes and look everyday in the face as if their past never existed. I consider those people to be the strongest of them all. I consider myself a strong individual and in the face of things out of my control I feel I have reacted well and tried to make the best of bad situations. I wonder if I was ever faced with a truly life altering lose if I could cope as well as I think I could. Only life experiences and time can answer that. This is a process for me, nothing is ever healed or fixed over night. If it is odds are nothing is ever handled or truly dealt with. I hope to come out of this knowing I made every effort and made the right decisions for my life and the life of my family. My life is no longer my own. I have a beautiful little girl that depends on me everyday and the decisions I make effect her directly. She is the most important thing in my life and no matter what happens I have to know in my heart that I made every decision in her best interest. Twenty years down the road I want her to be proud of me like I am my mother. I want her to know that I did everything I could to make her life the best it could of possibly been. No matter what happens in my life I have to get up everyday push my feelings aside and be a mother. I have to be her calm when she is crazy and her warm embrace when she is hurt. I have to make sure that she is taken care of before I even worry about me. I cant let her pay for my mistakes or the mistakes of the ones around her. Healing takes time….